


Follow Your Arrow

by SunriseRose1023



Category: Marvel Cinematic Universe
Genre: F/F, F/M, Family Drama, Family Dynamics, Family Issues, Fat Shaming, Minor Character Death, Multi, Personal Growth, Plus-Sized Reader, Reader-Insert, Reader-Interactive, Self-Doubt, Self-Esteem Issues, personal trainer
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-04-24
Updated: 2019-04-24
Packaged: 2020-01-31 06:59:48
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,725
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18586156
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/SunriseRose1023/pseuds/SunriseRose1023
Summary: In anticipation of your best friend's wedding, you hire a personal trainer to get you into shape, determined to change in spite of your past and yourself.Based off the prompt: "You're not as fat as you think you are. And even if you are, who cares?"





	Follow Your Arrow

**Author's Note:**

> This was my entry for a challenge on Tumblr, the Full Figured Fantasy challenge. This turned out to be really cathartic to write, as it turned out a little bit semi-autobiographical. Some of the things the reader mentions are things that have actually happened in my own life. The title is taken from the Kacey Musgraves song.

You stood outside the brightly colored building, breathing in deeply and holding it before exhaling, doing your best to pump yourself up.

You can do this.

You  _have_ to do this.

You pulled the door open and stepped inside, eyes widening at the rows of machines, lined up like torture devices waiting for their next victims.

Damn it, you were supposed to have a better attitude about this.

You blew out a breath and walked past the treadmills and machines you had no idea what they were or how they worked, and somehow stumbled upon the front desk. A blonde girl with a high ponytail and a body that looked like she should have been anywhere but this gym raised an eyebrow at you before pasting a smile on her face.

Now  _that_ , you were used to.

“Hi there,” she said in a voice that was much too perky for your liking. “Can I help you with something?”

You nodded, fiddling with the strap of the bag on your shoulder.

“I, uh … I have an appointment with a trainer?”  
“Which one?”

You swallowed before speaking again.

“I think she said her name was Maria?”

The girl made a face.

“I’m sorry, but Maria isn’t going to be working here for the foreseeable future.”

You blinked and she went on.

“It’s okay, though. We’ve got a trainer who volunteered to take her place. Walk down this hall all the way to the end, then go in the third door on your right.”

She turned her back on you, walking to the other side of the desk and answering the ringing phone. You’d clearly been dismissed, so you sighed and adjusted your bag as you walked down the hall. You counted and recounted the doors at the end of the hall, checking and rechecking to make sure you had your right from your left correctly, then stopped in front of your chosen door. You laid a hand on it, hanging your head.

“You can do this. You  _have_ to do this.”

You pushed open the door, clutching the strap of your bag as you looked around. There were three machines in this room, plenty of space, and multiple weights near the wall of mirrors.

God, you hated the mirrors. What was the point of having your reflection staring back at you while you work out? As if your reflection wasn’t disgusting enough, here, have it red and sweaty and even more gross.

You shook your head, walking over and setting your bag on the floor near the mirrors. You straightened and gave yourself a thorough once-over, letting out a sigh as you did. Your eyes roamed from your thick ankles up your legging-covered calves to your knees and thighs.

Thunder thighs, you used to joke. Not so much a joke as the truth, but hey.

Not for the first time, you regretted your decision to wear a tank top. You were just so hot natured, and it got a hundred times worse when you tried to work out. Your jiggly upper arms would just have to jiggle, making the sacrifice for the rest of your body to try and stay as cool as possible.

You noticed a sign on the wall and you walked closer to it. You smiled when you saw the calligraphy, the letters surrounded by bursts of color.

_Follow your arrow, wherever it points._

You jumped when the door opened behind you, and you turned, eyes widening as a tall, leanly muscled man came walking in.

“Sorry I’m late. I forgot I was taking over Maria’s schedule.”

You couldn’t do anything but stand there and blink. He was  _gorgeous_. He walked up to you and held out a hand, and you managed to lay your hand in his. He gave you a smile as he shook your hand, showcasing a mouth of straight white teeth.

“Hi, I’m Bucky Barnes.”

You nodded, telling him your name. he let go of your hand and turned to lay his things on one of the benches by the wall. You tugged at your earlobe, then spoke up.

“Ca—can I ask what happened to Maria?”

Bucky nodded.

“Car accident a week ago. She’s okay, but she broke both of the bones in her lower leg. Docs won’t let her work here, which, I mean, understandable.”

You nodded, and Bucky clapped his hands together.

“Okay. So what’s on the agenda here?”

You swallowed, feeling incredibly self-conscious around this incredibly handsome man, and let out a shaky breath.

“I, uh, I have this wedding coming up in six months.”  
“Yours?”  
“What? No!”

You let out an incredulous laugh. Who would want to marry you? You shook your head.

“No, one of my college roommates. We were best friends, and she asked me to a be a bridesmaid.”

Bucky nodded.

“So you’re looking to …”  
“Lose weight. I know it won’t happen overnight, but in six months, there should be some kind of change, right?”  
“That’s the goal. Come here. Let me take your measurements and we can get started.”

* * *

 

The first week wasn’t so bad. You were kind of excited to be starting on this journey, so the working out and the attempting to eat better didn’t seem like so much of a challenge. Drinking only water was a bit tougher, especially when the caffeine withdrawal headache set in.

The second week was tougher. You felt tired, any everything irritated you. You really wanted to eat something greasy and bad for you, but you forced yourself to go healthier instead. You adopted the sign on the gym wall about following your arrow as a mantra, muttering it to yourself as you took the stairs at work instead of the elevator.

The third week was brutal. Bucky pushed you to go hard on your workouts, and for the five days you met with him, you left the gym soaked with sweat and so exhausted you could barely keep your eyes open. Your eating habits seemed to be a little easier, and you even completely ignored the doughnuts someone brought to your office.

The fourth week was the moment of truth. You’d be stepping on a scale and Bucky would be taking your measurements again. This was, quite honestly, the longest you’d ever gone with dieting and exercising, and you were terrified of what the scale might say.

You felt like crying when you saw that you’d lost fifteen pounds. Bucky seemed proud of you, jotting down your measurements and talking about moving from purely weight loss tactics to maybe a bit of strength building.

But just like you’d come accustomed to, everything came crashing down.

* * *

 

Your mom called you at work. Your uncle had died and you needed to come home for the funeral. You managed to get the days off at work, and you called Bucky’s cell while you were packing.

_“Barnes.”  
_ “Hey, Bucky. It’s Y/N.”  
 _“Hey! Everything okay?”_

You sighed.

“No. I just wanted to let you know that I’m not going to be able to meet up with you this week.”  
 _“The whole week? Why? Oh, can I ask why?”_

You smiled.

“Yeah, it’s fine. I just have to go home and go to a funeral.”  
 _“Oh, no. I’m sorry.”  
_ “It’s okay. It’s kind of been a long time coming.”  
 _“Were you close with …”  
_ “My uncle? I used to be.”  
 _“Well, I hate that for you.”_

You closed your eyes, shaking your head as you zipped up your suitcase.

“I’ll be back next week.”  
 _“That’s fine. Y/N, listen. I know how it can be in times like this. Don’t beat yourself up if you slip for a day and eat something you’re not supposed to. Just don’t gorge. And even if it’s just walking around the block, try to get moving at least once a day, okay?”  
_ “Okay, Buck. Thank you.”  
 _“Anytime. And, hey.”_

You stopped, listening while he took a moment, then spoke again.

_“If you need to talk or anything … you can always call me. Or text, if you prefer that.”_

You swallowed.

“Thanks, Bucky.”  
 _“Have a safe trip.”_

You hung up the phone, licking your lips once before you saw the clock on your bedside table. You groaned and grabbed your suitcase, hurrying out the door and towards the airport.

* * *

 

The funeral wasn’t the part you were dreading. Your uncle had been sick for a while, and you’d been able to talk with him when you’d come home for Christmas the year before, when he was still lucid. You’d said everything you’d wanted to say to him, and you had no regrets.

No, the part you were dreading was the family gatherings. Most of your family was fine, but you had a few old school Southern aunts that all but drove you up the walls. Your mom did her best to try and hold them off, but like always, they would sniff you out and grill you. Your aunt Susie trapped you in the kitchen an hour after they’d put your uncle in the ground.

“Y/N, honey, I have been trying to talk with you all morning! How are you? How’s that job up in the big city?”

You smiled.

“It’s going good, Aunt Susie.”  
“You know, Emily was just telling me the other day that she was going to call you and catch up. Did she?”

Emily. Your cousin, who was a spiteful bitch even when you were kids. You somehow suppressed rolling your eyes and pushed a smile forward.

“No, I haven’t heard from her.”  
“Oh, well you know she is just so busy with her husband and that new baby.”

_And so it begins_ , you thought. Since you and Emily were the same age, you’d been compared to her your whole life. All you could remember from your childhood was everyone saying how beautiful Emily was, how thin, what a great cheerleader she was, how she got homecoming queen, which shocked  _everyone_ —but honestly, no one. Since you’d grown to be adults, all you heard was how successful Emily was as a nurse, then how excited she was to be engaged to a lawyer, then the wedding, and two years later, still going on about the wedding, but shifting to the baby she’d birthed nearly seven months ago, and wouldn’t you know it? She’d gotten her figure back almost instantly. You couldn’t even tell she’d had a baby. You sighed, trying to walk away from Susie, but she never was one to pick up on a hint.

“Honey, have you been losing weight?”

You stopped.

“I’ve been trying.”  
“Well, you look fantastic!”

Your mom came into the kitchen at that point, and Susie grabbed you, turning you to face your mother.

“You didn’t tell me Y/N went on a diet! She looks great!”

You mom gave you an apologetic smile.

“Dieting is not something we really like broadcasting, Susie. You know that.”

Susie waved a hand in the air.

“But I could have gotten Emily to send her some of the information about those shakes she sells!”  
“Y/N isn’t doing the shakes, Susie. She’s changing her whole lifestyle.”

Susie’s mouth fell open.

“Honey, that is wonderful. I’m glad to hear this isn’t going to be like those diets you did when you were growing up.”  
“Susie—”  
“I hate you wasted all that money on Weight Watchers, but this seems like it will stick!”

Your mom sighed.

“Susie, don’t we have more important things to talk about?”  
“Well, you know we just want Y/N to be happy. She’s so beautiful and I just know she’d find her a husband in no time if she lost a few pounds.”

You sighed, and your mom gave your shoulder a squeeze. Susie, like a damn dog with a damn bone, kept on.

“How much are you down?”

You swallowed, making yourself smile.

“Fifteen pounds.”  
“Fifteen? Is that all?”  
“Susie.”

Susie looked at your mother and shook her head.

“Well, she looks like she’s lost more than fifteen. Maybe it’s just water weight.”  
“Excuse me.”

You picked up a napkin and headed towards the dining room.

“Don’t you ruin your diet here today, little miss! You’re doing so good you just need to keep it up. Now, I know I put some celery sticks out there. I’ve got some more in the fridge that you are welcome to.”

You nodded, bursting into the dining room and closing your eyes. Your mom was quick to find you, handing you a tiny cup of water.

“I didn’t know you were stuck in there with her.”  
“Well, I figured it would happen sometime today.”

Your mom sighed.

“I hate her.”

You almost spit out your water, laughing and patting your mom on the arm.

“I’m used to her.”  
“I hate that you are. She’s been like that your whole life. I should have done more to stop her when you were little.”  
“Mama, it’s okay.”

You kissed your mom on the cheek.

“Now come with me and let’s spit on those celery sticks.”

Your mom laughed, looping her arm through yours and walking towards the table.

* * *

 

No matter how much you tried to ignore it or shake it off, your aunt’s words stuck in your head. She wasn’t lying. You had tried dieting when you were in junior high and high school, but it never stuck. You might lose a few pounds, but you’d eventually gain it back. You hadn’t had a steady boyfriend ever, which was tough to deal with on its own, but when your cousins continually brought their significant others around, it stung.

You dug your heels in while training with Bucky, leaving the gym soaked in sweat. You ate more salads than you ever had before, even finding a taste for vegetables you once turned your nose up at. When it was time to weigh in again, time for Bucky to take your measurements, you were shocked to see that the number on the scale had barely gone down any. Bucky told you that some people hit a plateau, that it was just something you’d have to work through, and you tried to cling to those words. Especially in the grocery store, passing by the ice cream aisle.

The next time you weighed in, you’d gained a few pounds. Nothing serious or shocking, but you were devastated to see the number higher than it had been the last month. Bucky smiled at you, gave you a pat on the back.

“It’s okay. The numbers aren’t everything. We’ve been lifting more, so you might just be gaining muscle.”  
“I’m here to lose weight, not gain it.”

Bucky nodded, writing down the measurements he was taking.

“You may have gained a few pounds, but look. You’ve lost inches.”  
“So what?”

He looked up and met your eyes.

“Hey. It’s not that big a deal.”  
“Wha—are you kidding me?! I think I’m working my ass off, only to I come up here and find it’s getting bigger?”  
“That’s not what’s going on. Y/N, calm down.”

You let out a laugh.

“Oh, sure. Easy for you to say.”  
“Hey, I’m trying to help you here.”  
“So I guess it’s my fault, then.”

Bucky blinked, shaking his head.

“What’s the problem?”

You threw out your hands.

“The problem is time is dwindling down. I’m trying to lose weight for this wedding so I won’t be such a cow in front of everyone, but no. No matter how many fucking salads I eat, I’m gaining weight.”

Bucky blew out his breath.

“Y/N, you’ve got to stop. You are not as fat as you think you are. And even if you are, who cares?”

You went still. You blinked, hearing your heartbeat pound in your ears.

“ _I_  care.”

You shook your head.

“You have no idea what it’s like. Being the fat friend. Being the biggest one in the room. You have no idea what it’s like to be on a dance team and have seventeen other girls order small t-shirts while you have to get an extra large. To go into a store and want so badly to find cute clothes like all your friends have, but they only go up to a large, and you haven’t worn a large since before you had double digits on your birthday cake.”

You shook your head.

“I’ll bet you don’t have an aunt who told you she’d give you five dollars for every pound you lost when you were in  _fifth grade_. Or another aunt who has said your whole life that you’d be so much prettier if you just lost the weight.”

You didn’t even realize you were crying. Bucky stepped towards you, holding out a hand, but you backed away from him.

“All my life, I’ve been big. I’ve tried to stop it, tried to lose the weight. Hell, I’ve even tried starving myself, but I couldn’t even get through a day because I was so hungry.”

You let out a sob, shaking your head.

“I am trying  _so hard_  here, and it’s not even working.”  
“It  _is_ working. Y/N, please listen to me.”

You shook your head again, stepping away when Bucky tried to get closer to you. You walked over and grabbed your bag, putting it on your shoulder.

“Y/N, come on. Please don’t leave. Y/N—”  
“I’m sorry.”

You hurried out the door, out of the gym, not stopping until you walked into your apartment, dropping your bag by the door and dropping face-first onto your bed.

* * *

 

You didn’t go back to the gym. You felt that you’d come too far to give up now, so you tried to continue eating better. You did give in and eat a doughnut at work one morning, but you felt awful the rest of the day.

You were sitting on your couch, scrolling through your phone and not paying attention to  _The_ _Bachelor_  on your television when your phone suddenly started to ring. It startled you and you almost dropped it, feeling your heart pound in your chest when you saw the name at the top of the screen.

Bucky Barnes.

You swallowed, then slid your finger over the bottom of the screen.

“He … hello?”  
 _“Y/N, hi.”_

You blinked a few times at the sound of his rough voice. He gave a soft chuckle.

_“I didn’t know if you’d pick up.”  
_ “I almost didn’t.”

You twisted the end of the blanket you had draped over you around your fingers as silence filled the room. After a moment, you heard Bucky clear his throat before he spoke.

_“I, uh … I bet you’re wondering why I’m calling.”  
_ “Pretty much, yeah.”

He chuckled again.

_“I just … you haven’t come to the gym this week and I …”_

Your throat felt thick all of a sudden, but you managed to croak out the words.

“You what, Bucky?”  
 _“I missed you.”_

Your eyes widened and you dropped the blanket. Bucky cursed under his breath, then spoke again.

_“Y/N, I saw you every week for almost two straight months and it doesn’t even feel right for me to be here on a weekday and not see you.”_

He huffed out a breath.

_“Plus, I know you don’t believe it, but you really have come so far. I don’t want you to lose that when you want it so bad.”_

You swallowed, blinking back the tears that had suddenly come to your eyes.

“Bucky, I … I don’t …”  
 _“Just … can we meet up tomorrow? At our regular time? We don’t even need to be at the gym. Just … let me buy you a cup of coffee or something.”_

You stared at the television, brows crinkling when you saw yet another commercial for a weight loss supplement. You swallowed, closing your eyes.

“I only drink coffee in the mornings. Two cups, and then I do water the rest of the day.”

The other end of the phone was quiet, until a soft laugh hit your ears.

_“That—that’s great. That’s so great. What about a … a smoothie or something?”  
_ “That sounds good.”  
 _“Look, I’ve got to go. Text me where you want to meet up and I’ll be there.”_  
“O-okay.”

You hung up the phone, setting it on the coffee table in front of you and staring at it.

* * *

 

You texted Bucky the location of a place a half of a mile from your apartment. You figured you could use the exercise, so you walked there, arriving at the time you used to arrive at the gym. You stopped at the corner, seeing Bucky standing outside, pacing a little, looking incredible in dark wash jeans and a faded blue shirt. You swallowed, taking in a shaky breath and letting it out slowly, then crossing the road and walking towards the entrance. Bucky saw you and you could swear you saw relief cross his face. A wide smile was on his lips, showcasing his perfect teeth as he walked up to you.

“Hey, you.”

You smiled back at him.

“Hey.”  
“It’s good to see you.”

You nodded.

“You, too.”

He motioned towards the shop and you nodded, following him inside, feeling your stomach swoop when he held the door open for you. You followed him to the counter, seeing the girl that worked there, one you’d come to be almost friends with, smile and widen her eyes at you.

“Hey, Y/N. Who’s the fox?”

You closed your eyes, a smile on your lips as your cheeks warmed.

“Wanda, this is Bucky. Bucky, Wanda.”

She held a hand across the counter and he shook it. Wanda nodded to you.

“Want your usual?”

You nodded and she scribbled on a notepad beside her.

“What about you, handsome?”

Bucky faltered for a moment, and you couldn’t help but laugh. After he studied the menu, he looked back to you.

“What’s your usual?”  
“The Tooty Fruity. The watermelon overpowers pretty much everything else.”

Bucky nodded.

“Have you ever tried the Elvis?”  
“Once. It was pretty good.”  
“Well, I like peanut butter, and I like banana, so …”  
“One hunk-a, hunk-a burning love it is!”

You shook your head, laughing softly at Wanda as she began humming “Don’t Be Cruel” while she fixed your drinks. You motioned towards the other counter, and Bucky followed you, sitting beside you in one of the high stools.

“So you come here often?”

You gave each other a look, then burst out laughing. Bucky shook his head, waving his hands in front of his face.

“I swear I didn’t mean that the way it came out.”

You giggled some more, then nodded.

“Yeah, I found it a few weeks ago when I was walking around. When the weekends rolled around and I didn’t go to the gym, I tried to walk some. Wanda’s about the only person who works here, so we got to know each other pretty well. She’s taught me how to make my own smoothies, but they’re not as good as hers.”  
“Because I slip a little crack in mine, to keep you coming back.”

You laughed as Wanda made her way to the high-top table, putting your pink smoothie in front of you, and Bucky’s in front of him. When she set a pair of cookies on the table, you started to shake your head, but she winked at you.

“These are on the house. Enjoy.”

She walked away and you sighed before you looked back at Bucky.

“They’re vegan, healthy, something-or-other cookies. Surprisingly good.”

Bucky nodded, picking one up. He took a bite and made a face.

“These are good.”  
“Try the smoothie.”

He picked up his cup and held it towards you, and you smiled as you picked yours up and clinked it against his.

“Cheers.”

Bucky took a long sip through the straw, eyes widening.

“Holy shit. This is delicious.”

You nodded, sipping from your straw.

“I love coming here. Hey, fun fact, Wanda is dating Maria. The one who was supposed to be my trainer at the gym.”  
“No shit?”

You nodded and Bucky turned back to look at Wanda, who was leaning over the counter, blowing a bubble from the gum she was chewing. He turned back to you and shook his head.

“I never even knew. Maria never mentioned a girlfriend.”  
“Wanda said she’s pretty private. Something about an old job she used to have, forced her to keep secrets or something.”

You shrugged and Bucky nodded as he sipped his smoothie. The two of you were quiet for a moment, and you began to look around, feeling uncomfortable. Bucky let out a sigh across from you and you looked over to him.

“I just … I wanted to apologize.”

You shook your head and Bucky held up a hand.

“Please.”

You nodded, taking a sip from your smoothie. He pushed a hand through his hair, then went on.

“I shouldn’t have said the things I did.”  
“You didn’t say anything, really.”  
“I hurt your feelings.”

You stared down at the table and Bucky sighed.

“I just … I wish you could see what I see.”

You blinked and he went on.

“I know you don’t really believe it, but you’ve made a huge change since we first started. I can see it in you, and not just physically.”

Bucky pushed his cup aside and rested his forearms on the table, clasping his hands together.

“You’re beautiful, and you’re so sweet. But there was this … I don’t know. This insecurity, maybe. I know it and I can see it because I feel the same thing.”  
“Liar.”

Bucky blinked and your eyes widened.

“I’m so sorry. Did I say that out loud?”

Bucky let out a laugh.

“What, you don’t think I’m insecure?”  
“Have you looked in the mirror?”

Bucky smiled.

“Looks aren’t everything, Y/N.”  
“No, but in this day and time, they’re a hell of a lot.”

Bucky nodded.

“I’ll give you that. But Y/N … you can’t let what someone else dictates as beauty define you.”  
“That’s really nice to say, and coming from someone who looks like you, sure. But I’ve lived like this for my entire life. I can love myself the way I am, sure. But no one else does. No one sees me, Bucky.”  
“I do.”

You looked down at the table, until a warm hand covered yours. You lifted your eyes to see bright blue staring back at you.

“I see you.”

You swallowed, turning your hand over and linking your fingers with his. Bucky licked his lips and met your eyes again.

“Will you come back to the gym with me?”

You sighed.

“I don’t know. I feel so out of place there.”  
“Okay, so let’s do something else. We can … we can find another place. Somewhere you feel better.”

Bucky wrapped his other hand around your hand he was already holding.

“I just don’t want to see you give up. You’ve come so far, even if you can’t see it.”

You looked down at the table and smiled.

“I went to the bridal shop to order my dress. You know, for the wedding?”  
“Yeah, your best friend’s wedding?”

You nodded, looking up and meeting his eyes.

“I had to order one two sizes smaller than I started out in.”

A wide grin cut across Bucky’s face.

“That’s great!”

You let out a soft laugh and Bucky squeezed your hand.

“What do you say? You giving up on me?”

You smiled, even though your cheeks felt like they were on fire.

“I guess not.”  
“Great. Because I, uh … I was wondering …”

You looked to him, saw Bucky lick his lips and chew on the bottom one.

“What?”

He looked to you, then flicked his eyes away.

“If, uh … maybe … you might need a … date or something to the wedding.”

Your eyes widened.

“With you?”

Bucky shrugged his shoulders and you smiled.

“I’d like that.”

He lifted his eyes to yours.

“Really?”  
“Really really.”

He smiled, slowly nodding his head.

“Do you want to go for a walk?”

You smiled, the warmth in your cheeks settling into a comfortable space around your heart.

“I’d love to.”

You let out a quiet laugh and Bucky squeezed your hand.

“What is it?”

You looked up to him, watching his mouth quirk in a kind of half-smile. You shook your head, then smiled.

“I’m just … following my arrow.”


End file.
